Children are these glorious little creatures that enter the world completely helpless, and as time goes on and they lose more and more of their helpless traits, it will cause you to feel helpless and often want to rip your hair out. It's funny how that works. But every so often something happens. They, and you, are equally helpless when this something happens. And there's no specific recipes or requirements for this "something."
You'll know it when it happens. You feel like a failure as a mother. You wonder what you did. You wonder if it could be avoided. You look at your perfectly oblivious child, and you have to walk into another room, and cry.
That something? Happened today. Well.. it's been happening for a few weeks now. The full gravity of the situation though, now that... that happened to hit today.
Torticollis. Go on. Look it up. I'll wait for you. Sufficiently horrified? Me too.
Torticollis can occur in any number of severities, but simply put, it means one's neck is incorrect. There's a few different causes, but in any of them, one's head has an inability or difficulty to turn both directions. In a baby, this can over time cause a number of problems. Ocular problems. TMJ. It's a fairly extensive list, beyond just looking funny. Head to the side in my dog? Cute. Head to the side in my handsome baby boy? Enter panicked mother.
There's no facial distortion going on, as you can see. He's a perfectly cute little boy.
Mommy's perfectly cute little n00b
What a photo doesn't show, is his overwhelming tendency to only look to the left. I could be standing in the room in a panda suit holding sparklers, and singing at the top of my lungs to his right... he will still look at the wall to his left. It's just easier. He has no vision problems. He has no hearing problems. These have been tested and confirmed. He just has a turning to the right problem. Turning to the left wouldn't be so bad, if his head was fully formed and hardened like mine, or his father's.
Babies heads are malleable. It's so their brains can just grow and grow and grow. So they can outsmart us at three years old. When they get into something we swore there was no way they could. It's a great human adaptation to allow this sort of growth, but... when a child can't turn both ways, and they spend so much of their days sleeping in early baby life, this can cause a child's head to simply, form incorrectly.
This is what's obviously happening.
From an above Mister Handsome's head perspective, he's developing a flattened spot on his skull to the rear left of his head. This is causing a slight bulge to the right rear of his head to accommodate this shift. Again, this is all imperceptible for the average person ooh-ing and ah-ing at my child. It is however quite perceptible for me. And it can get worse. And it can cause problems if it does.
His pediatrician at last visit assured me this was "normal" and "many babies" do this.. and they often do. I've researched... I've witnessed... I'm aware. This however is not the normal flat spot my older son or daughter exhibited. This is something worse. This is something different. This is text book Torticollis symptoms in my last baby, in my otherwise perfect baby, and I'm freaking out.
Since it causes him no discomfort to be facing right I'm incessantly turning him to the right. He'll turn back to the left and here's Neurotic-Mom to the rescue, I'll save you from yourself! *turns head back to the right* Or better yet, I'll turn you slightly on your right side, try looking left now!
.....Roadblock. Whenever Neurotic-Mom attempts THIS course of action, Mister Handsome's right eye gets puffy from lying on the right side of his face. Crap. And it's not allergies or infection causing the swelling because it's gone in a matter of minutes to hours. It's purely from sleeping on that side.
So, what to do? The advised by physical therapist stretches and turning of his neck? No problem. I've got this.
Admittedly there has been some improvement. He does actively look both ways now, in only a week of this routine. Which tells me, the pediatrician is incorrect, it wasn't normal otherwise he wouldn't have made such a marked improvement after physical therapy. That incorrect assessment of something so obvious upsets me. I'm glad I'm more observant than the frickin doctor I pay to tell me what's wrong. But still... Whether I'm right or not, and whether my actions have been helping, is largely irrelevant. When he's sleeping, which puts pressure to his skull on the flat spot, he's still always to the left. So we still have major concerns to deal with.
He doesn't look very concerned now does he?
All the while, I haven't mentioned this whole scenario to anyone except my other half. Why? That's a good question. I could use some voices of reassurance. But somehow I'm just stuck in Mommy-Panic-Mode. Feeling like I must have done something wrong. Like he didn't have enough room to grow in me. Why couldn't I get fatter? I'll take extra pounds if it means my child's head doesn't deform over time because he can't turn. Why was one child born perfect, the next with a hemangioma that required plastic surgery to remove for safety's sake, and now this? Good thing I'm not having a fourth, because what would befall THAT one? I can think of a thousand irrational reasons why this could have happened from a karmic perspective.
God knows... I'm not perfect. But I'd like my children to be. And now he's not. Freak out. Freak out, freak out, freak out. I just want him to be okay. And not have to wear a ridiculous helmet to fix it. Sigh.
Oh the trials and tribulations of being a mother, when you're already high strung. Someone bring me a sedative.
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